I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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