I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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