I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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