HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I stole a fireplace last night.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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