i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
