her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
