so that wasnt chicken after all
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
