I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Also, beer. Big fan.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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