you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
