I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Actions speak louder than pants.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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