Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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