Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
