How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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