I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
