sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
