i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
