Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
