I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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