new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
