Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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