I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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