dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
