But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
