If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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