i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
