On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
