I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
