The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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