Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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