if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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