apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
