Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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