Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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