got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
