Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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