I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
