dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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