I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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