I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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