Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
