My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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