yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
