He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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