did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
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