i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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