was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Randomize
