At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
