Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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