i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
