if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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