you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
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