it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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